someone to talk to

it is weird, when u feel that yr mind is full of thoughts- +ve,-ve most i presume, and you want to find someone to talk too.

it seems hard.

not as easy as abc.

either you being chase off before you even start the topic, eg. May i kacau( talk to you) you? NO.

or when it is not a correct situation eg. wah, what a great day today is...where to go...

sometimes, asking myself, why?

why is it hard to find someone to talk to when you need the most?

why the time and place seems not right when you have problems?

and why only my mum is the only one that called me when im in the middle of -.-?she seems to sense that im not right, and will call me. this experiment is true, almost out of 10 times already. really should give her a clap, and a big hug that she answer my call, my desperation of needing advice/help/ comfort.

but, she was just not the right person, why?

( she will definitely be sad if she heard so)

because, i never want her to know about my worries,

i want to appear perfect to her, strong to her, and brave to her;

i want to act that i can settle everything by myself and she could be happy over there, knowing that i gone through my life in a nice way.

i want myself to be a model( if my mum wants to put me so) for my siblings, so that they know at least that their sister who are 23 now can settle most of the things herself, and she is adult now.

but...inside my little heart, sometimes i know: I NEED HELP!

im timid, i am a kid, i am not perfect, and i am just so weak inside; weaker than i can imagine.

sending out msg of HELP, S.O.S. yet no one will understand that signal.

either they are too busy, too focus on their own problems or they just don't sense it, because i disclose it?

i once realized that no one will understand or save yourself except yourself.

because : they are not in the boat with you when the boat sink. they din go through the life and death with you when you are struggling, so how on earth you hunger for their understanding?is that fair?NO.

so you should keep things to yourself, and only tell happy things!

ok?

good gal, you are learning fast, im grateful of that.