我是怎么了？

哭过就好了。
痛过会走的，
记忆有辛酸，。。。


我的心，好痛。
我的头好重。
但是，却是莫名而来的。

好辛苦。
对以前抗拒的开始留念，
对以前反感的开始接受。
我到底是怎么了？
心事如此的空虚，
思绪是如此的复杂，
我是乎老了。
我只想成为一个正常活泼的二十二岁少女。
而不是现在这个无聊悲观，的欧巴桑。


现在如同落地的树枝枯叶，
选择着要就这样放任大地摧残，腐烂；
或是选择自我发光发热，燃烧自己，照耀别人，虽然没蜡烛那么能耐，但至少也牺牲的有价值。

我到底是怎么了？
我要的是什么？
我的目标呢？
我为了什么而活？
我为什么活着？
我有价值吗？
我爱我自己吗？
我是什么？
有人爱我吗？
又有多少人讨厌我呢？
我很悲观吗？
要怎样高兴呢？
为了什么才能开心呢？
开心是什么？
什么事可以让人开心呢？

friend

時々、私は悲しいです。 私が扱うのに私の中心を使用したこと友人はなぜ悪い方法で私を扱いますか。

私は簡単な理解を決して多くが、私ちょうど望みますほしいと思いません。 私達はずっと8年間友人、なぜですか。

私は実際にそんなに傷つける何でもしていますか。
またはそのような方法で私を憎ませます実際にその問題となりますuに私はか。

起こった何が私に言って下さい。。。

原来

原来我只不过是一个普通人，
会担心，
会犹豫，
会忧郁，
会哭泣。

原来我和其他人一样的希望着，
被怜惜，
被疼爱，
被眷顾，
被爱护。

原来我也是这样的，
任性，
霸道，
自卑，
狂大。

以为自己会得到一些一意想不到的奇迹，原来只是虚空一场。
心里为此而卡着，气息不顺。

但是我最庆幸的是原来，
我身边有很关心我的朋友，
很支持我的家人，
接受着自己的无我，
锻炼着自己的环境。
还有何求啊？

知足常乐，随意而安。

三人

好久没坐在一起了，
虽然就只是三个人，
大家各做各的东西，
也不必多说，
但是那感觉真的很自在，
很自然。
好久没这感觉了。

虽然，
你每次给我的感觉就是想靠近但却靠近不了，
想了解却远远不能及，
有个隐形的阶级。
每次，在他身边都很不自在，会很怕，很不自然。
但是，今晚真的觉得有你在真好。

三个不同性格，
不同处事方式的人。
很微妙的被缘分牵在起，
住进同个屋院下。
虽然不是一直粘在起但是，

突然觉得
有你们真好。。。
谢谢。

Out of track

out of track of my normal life,
normal way of acting,
normal relationship,
normal feelings...
i act like a vast, a log in front of all...
is me who are changing,
or is the situation, the environment, the surrounding is not mine after all?
i jst so mean...
drag me out of this
becoming isolated which is what i fear.
i dun wan to be alone!
i just wan frenz around to be with....

I'm such a baby

thinking of my age of 22 and going to be 23 this year, yet, my action and mind development is going the other way round.

socially phobic, scared to see crowded people around me, scared people stare at me, strangers look at my direction, supervisors asking me questions, friend who i am not so close to talking to me, and also even go alone to ward or anywhere....
dependent on someone...
like a kid independent on her mum....
need security...

i need a womb to protect me!
need a womb to cover me up, so that i am not invisible yet not felt treat.
cause I'M still a BABY.

my dream teaching hospital

My dream teaching hospital?

well, apparently i'm thinking that mine dream teaching hospital should be like a big family style.
supervisors = our parents
teachers, professors= our relatives
course mates/seniors/juniors/ = brothers and sisters
patients = our friends

just like a big happy family, helping each other out, think of the greatest of yr family, sacrifice for it, and share among each others.


however, sometimes it is brutal to say that, this imaginary picture just doesn't appear to be anywhere nearer from what it is in the hospital.

patients were just patients, we aren't sharing much with them, and what most care was just disease base instead of patients feelings. would you treat your relatives like that??And would they at the same time treat you as their closest friends?hmmm...i wonder....what they can think of is the doctor, trying to slice me,cut me, or just procrastinating the time of treatment....sounds like untrue,thou.There are doctors do really care about patients, but...there are still holes to fill up.

students as brothers and sisters? sometimes, when the challenge was too intense, where we need to fight to survive, there will be no one happy enough to share.Hating each other for fighting over the same and limited learning chance.However not all, still have space of improvement. I mean, we do fight with our own siblings for somethings sometimes, so fighting makes relationships closer?hope so in here.

supervisors to students? too much students for one supervisors just like parents with too many kids.they din have time for all of them, even they wish to help them, train them, and practice them, they can't really make all perfect. and....maybe some might old enough to have amnesia to forget their children....which i hope this won't happened, who knows.


If this were a family, i think, i rather fight for them, work as a team; but if this is an individual stuff for a hospital, i can't felt the spirit to carry on the battle alone. I just like to be part of the team, being a team and win the battle with this very team. FAMILY...