崩溃

不喜欢每天一大清早的和周公子分开的感觉。
不喜欢一起身就要想到等下要见到让你精神分裂的“壮士”。
更不喜欢每次傻呼呼的等，
傻呼呼的做了哪些东西，却到头来原来是一场空。
压力啊！！！！！！
救命！！！！！

等啊等，
除了等，
还是等。
等老师来，
等病人合作，
等回房，
等毕业，
等成长。
什么都是等！
活在当下，有些是有还真的用不着啊。
我好想家！！！
我想回！！！

PATIENTS

Patients....
There was once a prof said: u are not qualified to call someone your patient if
1) you don't know her/his name
2) you don't know why she/he is here
3) you din even take initiation to approach her/him
4) your are not willing to spend your time with her/him to know why she/he is here

suddenly i felt that it was just so true. If she/he is not your patient, then you are not qualified to call them your patient and also you are not going to be the choosen one to treat them.

QUITE TRUE afterall.
besides i started to felt that a malay proverbs saying " tak kenal maka tak cinta" really means something for me now.

i thought i was so cold blood a few weeks ago after enter surgery posting, dun even felt a thing when there is someone dying in front of me ( which previously i will as if they were my parents and sad like hell for a few days),until today i learned that a patient that i had really had my teaching on and which i had actually palpate and try to talk to him had died yesterday after i left the ward no long ago....i thought it will be another death case for me which i just treat it as nothing. yet until now...i am thinking back of him...foresee his circumstances, his suffer during the last few hours,which i realise that i actually care...

hah,maybe that is y ppl say, u will started to care for someone when u started to know someone.the more u know the more u care. i guess this is why our prof said so.

acceptable now.

alone

sometimes alone play a role for me to cool down myself,but recently i felt that i am so lonely.

lonely?
in the sense that i dun know what really happened to me,
i din hv interest to talk with others....even if i do also i felt that i am not considered as part of the conversators,which makes me felt like a "maid" instead of a "mate"...

maybe i am jst too sensitive...
but i can't help it.
the feelings jst appear to me.
i found it hard to suit in,as if i am not part of their world...
they will jst deny or felt irritated with whatever i said( whether they felt so but that's what i felt)
stress arise while chatting with them...
it assembly trying to hit a big bully which is not your size or trying to challenge sth that is not your level..
sounds like giving order instead of asking for help?sometimes which i am used to it and willing to do.
in front of them, i was shy, unable to express myself or even be my true self,
I,
tried to act cool,as it seems so that they din really noticed that i care so much...
felt isolated
felt hurt sometimes
felt unwilling to share...even though if i do try to share,yet the topic jst won't suits in....
been envy b4, that, they care for each other so much,
maybe they do care abt me too,is jst that im not sharing the same bond they both had....

sometimes feeling like whenever u are needed,u will be summoned; whenever u are not, u'll be forgotten.
practically speaking....am i too sensitive?
ppl are jst too bz to care abt this little tiny winny stuff they had did,which means nth to them but means sth to u...
i apologize for what i had to say here if it ever happened to be any of u...


jst to ease my loneliness and my stupor of thinking so.
felt like running away,far far away, instead of sitting here felt like nth!