*怀疑*

有人说： 疑人不用，用人不疑。
现在我怀疑我自己，
到底适合读这课系吗？

他们说：上天不会制造一个没有解答的问题，
也不会创造一个没有钥匙的锁头。
那么，到底他创造了我，又是为了什么？
到底我到这世上的使命又是什么？
我能托付他的重任吗？
还是，我只不过是个过客，
让我来游戏人间，
看看花花世界里的重重难关？


书也是这样吧, 疑书不用，用书就不疑。
既然要读它，
真的就不该疑它了啊。


怀疑。。。。心存的全都是怀疑。。。
疑神疑鬼，
都不知几时我快被这些包袱给压得透不过气，
垮了。

情绪？

情绪波动大的人，有事要做起大事来，真的谈何容易啊？

听着一首一首的情歌，
眼睛虽然是对着课本，
但是脑子总是不听话。

与他的回忆一幕幕的飘过，
心里头，开始惆怅，开始摇荡起来。
摇荡？
不太适合吧，
就好比一壶静止的水被一滴一滴滴的小雨点卷起那小小涟漪。

平静的心，
在夜深人静之时，
被寂寞黑空的围绕着，
被优柔感伤的歌曲围攻着，
突然觉得那么的无奈与无助。
怎么突然平静那么久的心，
又会因为这些歌曲而回忆其他的点滴？

或许和歌曲中的主角有着同等的遭遇，
同舟共济，
更是感触良多。
被抛弃的人真的会有阴影的。。。
心灵的发育也受挫。
呜呜*
真的是天阴阴犹如我心啊。。。
***哈哈哈哈哈***

试问，
脑子一直想这些东西，
又怎么专心做大事呢？
情绪？
啊情绪。
你好无聊。

DREAM

i am dreaming again.
it is usual to dream actually.
yet, again this is the 4th time i been strike up by my dreams....again....again...nightmares.
it's a nightmare when it is not a good thing happened in the dream....not dreaming anymore as in the context of dreaming,it should be related to something sweet or nice....

this is part of it.
nightmares begin with:
i am taking my bath,
ppl are wacking my bathroom door.
"hey!!!jst stop it,i am still in the middle of my "rain"!!!"
yet, they keep on barking and shouting, insisting that i open the door, there is something for me, since my groupmate already left the clinic, so this little thing will be pass on to me to take care off...
"what's that!!!"
a new born baby, still crying in the blanket which is soaked with amniotic fluid...
" you take care of her,ok?she was bought! later someone will come and claim her."

I can't believed it!!!this is a baby.who dares to sell and who dares to left her here for me?
i can't believed why a mum can be so cruel?!
i ran all my life with the baby in my hand intending to help her to find her mum,gosh she was growing fast, within seconds of running in the streets( the scene jst turn there ) she starting to turn into a 2 years old girl talking to me:" hey let me go, y u bringing me running here and there?i wan to find my mama!"
" ya i am finding your mama for u ...your mama is in the other direction, maybe we will bump into her in any minute by now.."yet that doesn't assure her actually...

Scene turns to another gym room, where there is a pretty young lady having her exercise on a running machine, accompany by a handsome guy...they are having some plan,..some bad bad plan..terrible and wicked plan....
male: " so where is your daughter?"
female:" i throw her away as far as i could, and someone will take care of her"
male:" how come u so stupid!!u can use your daughter as she is the daughter of the richest merchant in this country with his company overseas somemore....u should use this opportunities..."
female:" use?"

the male looked wicked....
the female too started too, seems like she is getting the idea of that male

scene 3:
in a living room full with fancy items..
" helo, my dear daughter, where are u???"
"come out to mama,i am finding for u..."
she ran all over the whole house and the little girl( which is the girl i was holding in the first scenen) was not there...
she started to get angry...
cursing that she will do something....


pop! i woke up...
stupid dream...
i am feeling moody with this type of dream, especially after the first dream about a big creature chasing me with the aim of eating me up, second one about marrying to a man which i dun like at all and crying during the whole scenario, thrid dream with 2 of my collegue dead....
i hate nightmare!
hate this type of dream....
i miss home...
haha.

p/s: maybe i can use this to write a script for my future movie....

生活vs生存

生活与生存。
你选择哪个？
p/s: 生活：活在当下，享受一切酸甜苦辣，接受一切挑战，充实自己的每一天，把自己活出色彩！
生存： 为了争口饭，埋头苦干，强逼自己做一些不情愿的事，活得痛苦，不愉快。

两者只在一字之差，也在于一念之差。

崩溃

不喜欢每天一大清早的和周公子分开的感觉。
不喜欢一起身就要想到等下要见到让你精神分裂的“壮士”。
更不喜欢每次傻呼呼的等，
傻呼呼的做了哪些东西，却到头来原来是一场空。
压力啊！！！！！！
救命！！！！！

等啊等，
除了等，
还是等。
等老师来，
等病人合作，
等回房，
等毕业，
等成长。
什么都是等！
活在当下，有些是有还真的用不着啊。
我好想家！！！
我想回！！！

PATIENTS

Patients....
There was once a prof said: u are not qualified to call someone your patient if
1) you don't know her/his name
2) you don't know why she/he is here
3) you din even take initiation to approach her/him
4) your are not willing to spend your time with her/him to know why she/he is here

suddenly i felt that it was just so true. If she/he is not your patient, then you are not qualified to call them your patient and also you are not going to be the choosen one to treat them.

QUITE TRUE afterall.
besides i started to felt that a malay proverbs saying " tak kenal maka tak cinta" really means something for me now.

i thought i was so cold blood a few weeks ago after enter surgery posting, dun even felt a thing when there is someone dying in front of me ( which previously i will as if they were my parents and sad like hell for a few days),until today i learned that a patient that i had really had my teaching on and which i had actually palpate and try to talk to him had died yesterday after i left the ward no long ago....i thought it will be another death case for me which i just treat it as nothing. yet until now...i am thinking back of him...foresee his circumstances, his suffer during the last few hours,which i realise that i actually care...

hah,maybe that is y ppl say, u will started to care for someone when u started to know someone.the more u know the more u care. i guess this is why our prof said so.

acceptable now.

alone

sometimes alone play a role for me to cool down myself,but recently i felt that i am so lonely.

lonely?
in the sense that i dun know what really happened to me,
i din hv interest to talk with others....even if i do also i felt that i am not considered as part of the conversators,which makes me felt like a "maid" instead of a "mate"...

maybe i am jst too sensitive...
but i can't help it.
the feelings jst appear to me.
i found it hard to suit in,as if i am not part of their world...
they will jst deny or felt irritated with whatever i said( whether they felt so but that's what i felt)
stress arise while chatting with them...
it assembly trying to hit a big bully which is not your size or trying to challenge sth that is not your level..
sounds like giving order instead of asking for help?sometimes which i am used to it and willing to do.
in front of them, i was shy, unable to express myself or even be my true self,
I,
tried to act cool,as it seems so that they din really noticed that i care so much...
felt isolated
felt hurt sometimes
felt unwilling to share...even though if i do try to share,yet the topic jst won't suits in....
been envy b4, that, they care for each other so much,
maybe they do care abt me too,is jst that im not sharing the same bond they both had....

sometimes feeling like whenever u are needed,u will be summoned; whenever u are not, u'll be forgotten.
practically speaking....am i too sensitive?
ppl are jst too bz to care abt this little tiny winny stuff they had did,which means nth to them but means sth to u...
i apologize for what i had to say here if it ever happened to be any of u...


jst to ease my loneliness and my stupor of thinking so.
felt like running away,far far away, instead of sitting here felt like nth!